self destruct: oh my life is changing everyday

i don't know who i am anymore, i need to 'find myself'. my room is a disaster, maybe i'm hidden beneath the piles upon piles of clothes and shoes i don't wear anymore. i want new everything but i feel like i'm always buying new clothes, i think i need to start selling them on ebay. a million things have been running through my head all week; i want to be classier, i want to be cultured, i want to travel and learn things they don't teach you in school, i want to be more independent, i want to learn a new language, i want to be more brave and outgoing, i want to learn to play an instrument and write a song that i'm proud to let other people hear, i want to stop being so self centered, i want to start doing nice, anonymous things for people, i want to go to the gym everyday and sweat until blood comes out of my eyes, i want to save up at least $1000 for no reason, i want to move to a new city where no one knows me and completely start over.

my emotions completely mirror the weather at all times. last night i cried for an hour when i realized i can't live without misty anymore, its seriously killing me. today i looked at pictures of us and cried more. a year ago i could have never imagined my life without her or going even a day without speaking to her and now at times its like we don't even know each other. its the worst feeling i've ever felt and i absolutely mean that. its worse than any break up, its 10x worse than anyone i've ever lost in the past, i can't deal with this. i thought i was okay without her but its finally caught up with me. i'm starting to cry again, i'm falling apart.

a little good news, i bought a nikon fm10 yesterday. it will be here friday, its about the only thing i'm looking forward to. that and caiti coming on sunday.

also, i can't live any longer without jeffry campbell's fall line of shoes, every pair is so unique. he really takes the gladiator sandal to the next level with 'the pre shoe' and 'the united boots'. oh, and 'the bella shoe' chunky heels are to die for.